Last Sunday, I went to hear the Dalai Lama speak.  He talked about how, when we are afflicted by powerful emotions like fear and anger, our perceptions become clouded and distorted.  And when perceptions are distorted, we cannot see clearly, we may not discern the truth, and we have difficulty acting wisely.

These are important words for our time.  When we are in a state of contraction and paralysis, we can’t see the truth about our options, our opportunities, our actual financial situation. Look at your numbers.  Review all your expenses and see what is really true.  What can you actually afford?  What should you give up?  Many of us are engaged in catastrophic thinking  which is fueled by listening to the media.  But until you actually look at your numbers, you won’t know with any certainty how bad (or not) it is.  Looking at the truth will ease your mind (have you noticed that your fear creates situations that are usually far worse than reality?).  Look at the truth of your cash flow and your assets and liabilities.  Acknowlege your untapped skills and creativity.  Then you will have the confidence to shift your perspective and discern opportunities.

As the stock market tumbles, relationship woes soar. According to numerous studies, money is the number one cause of divorce in the U.S.

Now more than ever, couples are facing a huge challenge:  How to keep their marriages and relationships healthy in an ailing economy. Financial stress saps couples of intimacy and trust. Many lack the skills and the willingness to talk openly about such a sensitive and difficult subject.

Spencer Sherman has created a unique method for couples to achieve “Financial Intimacy” and begin the process of talking about money openly and without blame and shame. His simple techniques allow couples to realize the true value of their partner, and achieve calm through the ups and downs of their balance sheet. Learning to eliminate secrets, lies, and overspending are just a few ways couples are able to get back on track, increase intimacy, and make their relationship recession-proof.

Sherman helps couples to share their financial histories, including their earliest memories.  He calls this Getting Naked with Your Finances.  Sherman has discovered that money, far more than sex, is the last taboo.  But great riches await those who can shine a light into their dark financial corners and share openly with their partners.  Once their histories are known, couples can articulate their financial values and goals and start working together as a team to build their financial future.  An empty bank account can be the impetus to do this intimacy-enhancing work.  But the result is surely a strong nest egg and a stronger marriage.

Spencer is the author of The Cure For Money Madness (Broadway Books ‘09 ), a guide to overcoming the distorted childhood perceptions of money which poison relationships, impede intimacy, and interfere with our making money and enjoying the money we have. Spencer teaches Financial Intimacy and Freedom Workshops for couples.  He is the CEO of Abacus Wealth Partners.   www.abacuswealth.com

Spencer is available for interviews, speaking engagements, and workshops worldwide. www.curemoneymadness.com

I was in the shower this morning  thinking:  “Oh, when the markets come back and the business world revives, I’ll have more money.  I’ll feel more at ease.  I’ll be happier.”  Of course, three years ago my clients and I had more money.  And I remember that my clients and I were upset about various world events, our elected officials, our jobs, our commutes.  And we were worried about our money, too.   We were no happier back then than we are now.  The opportunity for today is to let go of the myth that more money will make us happy.

If we can let go of this thought we can have happiness and peace right now. Because happiness and peace have nothing to do with the amount of money you have.  When you know that, you’re free.  You can yell at your TV “CNN, you do not determine  my happiness!”  You can choose to be happy because of your own intelligence and creativity, your potential, your community of friends and family, the fact that the sun reliably rises in the sky every day.  We are not victims of  the markets.  We don’t need to wait for the markets to come back.  Were you really happier when the economy was strong?  Or were you just worried about other things?  Cultivate the things that make you happy and your happiness will grow.

And if you really want to add to your happiness, stop watching or reading the news for 1 week.  Feel your bliss grow.

HOW TO GET YOUR FAMILY’S FINANCES IN ORDER—NOW!—FOR 2009

Listen up, parents: It’s time to get your finances in order. With the  new year fast approaching, there’s no time like the present to take  action. Not only will being proactive about your money situation make for a calmer, happier, and, ultimately, more successful year,  but it will get your kids on the right track while they’re still young,  setting them up to have a healthy relationship with the the almighty  dollar for the rest of their lives.

Our kids inherit more than our eye color and height—they also inherit how we think about money and how we behave with money. If, for example, you use money to feel good (buying a new sweater after a bad day, buying your kid a toy when you feel distant from her) you are literally teaching your kids that buying more things will somehow, eventually, fix the problem. They, too, will begin to feel a sense of deprivation—after all, if you did have enough, why would you need to constantly acquire more?  They’ll also begin to believe a particularly problematic falsehood: the best way to ease discomfort is to make a purchase. It won’t be long before their own behavior mirrors the messages they got from mom and dad.

Rather than head down this road for yet another 12 months, take advantage of the New Year to get clear with yourself and with your kids about what your spending and saving will look like for 2009. Why is it important to include your children in this process rather than just let them figure out on their own that your spending is changing? There are two reasons. First, if you are up front with you’re kids about how you choose to spend the family money, they won’t create negative, imaginary reasons for the change.  Just as children of divorce often invent that they are to blame for their parents’ split, children in homes with suddenly- tighter purse strings may come up with destructive, unhappy and untrue causes  for the shift.   Second, if your children feel they are a part of the decision process rather than serfs to your financial decrees, they are less likely to rebel or develop a negative attitude. This is particularly true of older kids.

So how do you decide what needs to be done in the New Year, and how do you talk about it with your kids?

Here are my 6 Top Tips for Creating Financial Family Fitness in 2009:

1	First and foremost: Before getting together with the kids, if you have a partner, share with him or her the money message you got from your parents so that each of you knows what inherited money beliefs you each bring to the table. You may be working with the basic belief that the love of money is the root of all evil, while your partner is positive that money makes the world go ‘round. If you don’t have a partner, have this talk with a friend. Recognize that our adult money activities are driven by childhood beliefs. This understanding can help you turn any judgments you may have about your own or your partner’s money habits into compassion.
2	Complete a Spending Intention worksheet with your partner—this gives you a clear picture of your actual cash flow and allows you to create a spending range for each category of expenses. And, if one of you tends to hand over the reigns when it comes to family finances (happily or begrudgingly), this will help to restore some balance.
3	Remember the value—and yes, the fun—of saving. Our grandparents generally couldn’t overspend much because they didn’t have Visas and Mastercards. If they wanted something, they typically paid cash up front, or (drumroll please) saved for it. Restore this practice with your children. Give them the experience of anticipation, excitement, and accomplishment that comes from saving, and experience it yourself by helping out. If there is something your kids really want this year—a bike, a trip to Disneyland—instead of using the credit card to buy it, develop a matching savings plan. If they save five dollars, you add 10.
4	Speaking of credit cards, let them go. It is wise to keep one or two on hand for emergencies and credit cards can play a role in restoring damaged credit. But generally, they should function as a spare tire, not a steering wheel. Overusing credit cards not only plants you firmly in the debt cycle, it’s teaching your kids—and yourself—that saving is essentially impossible or useless, and that you can have whatever you want whenever you want it. The thorny truth is that you can’t—not without paying the price in interest, stress, and the growing sense that you don’t have enough. If we want our kids to be patient and wise spenders, credit cards are teaching them the opposite values.
5	Sit down for a family money meeting, but take care to strike an information balance. Too much financial information stresses kids out. They don’t need to know all the details of your mortgage, the raise that didn’t come through, or the 401K that’s losing traction. If your intention is to decrease family spending, tell the kids how you are going to cut back and invite them to come up with ways that they can reduce the family’s spending as well. It’s beautiful to witness how children can step into greater maturity and responsibility when their ideas are taken seriously.
6	Finally—and trust me on this—there is nothing that will improve a family’s sense of security and wellness more than giving to others. It is the quickest way to dissolve a sense of not having enough or needing more. Generosity necessarily undermines our feeling of scarcity and sufficiency blossoms. So sit down, put your heads together, and select a beneficiary and an appropriate amount.

I recently had a meeting with an unrelated man named Spencer Sherman. He’s 16 years older than me, but we were both born and raised in the same New York City borough, and both moved to California later in life. We share similar values and interests, not to mention a name-very uncommon.

Yes, I was curious about another human being with the same name, but the bigger reason for our meeting was to offer him money for his website and its domain: www.SpencerSherman.com.  I brought up my interest and joked that my business partner was afraid I’d pay him $1 million for the site, and Spencer Sherman stopped, thought and said, “I might consider a million dollars, but just for a moment. Money doesn’t mean much to me and I’m enjoying my website.”

How unusual to find someone who doesn’t equate self-worth with net worth, who isn’t willing to sell his joy for money and who isn’t obedient to the call of money as a well-trained dog to its master.

I recall so many instances when I sold enjoyable, precious private time just to make an extra buck. I believed then that, as long as the price was right, you were supposed to sell your joy for money. I let my money madness override the true value of happiness.

I’ve gotten much better at keeping my money monster from running the show, but it’s still a practice.  With practice, each of us can dissolve the money madness and see the value of life beyond money.  The other Spencer Sherman’s peaceful connection to his own happiness over riches inspired a deeper inquiry into my own money madness, and how I can continue to transcend it. Indeed, sometimes we can see in others exactly what we want to cultivate in ourselves.